Pirate Humor for Official “Talk like a Pirate Day”

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What fun would it be without some Pirate Humor on official “Talk like a Pirate Day” (TLAPD). Some (if not most) of these are true groaners but what the heck. It will also be interesting to see how my WordPress plugin for TLAPD translates these jokes! On with some jokes (don’t make me walk the plank on these, I didn’t make them up!):

A Pirates Tale

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies, “We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”

“Blimey!” said the seaman. “What about the hook?”

“Ahhhh…,” mused the pirate, “we were boardin’ a trader ship, pistols blastin’ and swords swingin’ this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off.”

“Zounds!” remarked the seaman. “And how came ye by the eye patch?”

“A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye,” answered the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well,” said the pirate, “it was me first day with the hook.”

Q&A’s

Q: Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
A: It’s rated AARRRRGGH! And do you know why? Because of all the booty!

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to get a piercing?
A: A buck an ear!

Q: Why did the pirate go on vacation?
A: He needed some AARRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH!

Q: How did the pirate stop smoking?
A: He used the patch!

Q: Did you hear about the pirate who scored 20,000 points for the Lakers?
A: His name was Kareem Abdul JabAARRRRGGH!

Q: What is piratophobia?
A: Fear of a sunken chest!

Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
A: AARRRRGGHentina!

Q: What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say?
A: RRRAAAAA!

Q: What do you call a pirate that skips class?
A: Captain Hooky!

Q: What Star Wars character is really a pirate?
A: AARRRRGGH-2 D-2!

Q: What’s a pirate always looking for, even though it’s right behind him?
A: His booty!

Q: What does a gourmet pirate add to his dinner?
A: A gAARRRRGGHnish!

Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?
A: An arm and a leg!

Q: What’s a pirate’s second favorite mode of transportation?
A: A cAARRRRGGH! (to which one member of the club replied, “So, um, what’s a pirate’s first favorite mode of transportation?” “A ship, duh.”)

Q: What kind of socks does a pirate wear?
A: AARRRRGGHyle!

Q: What has 8 arms and 8 legs?
A: Eight pirates!

Q: Why does a pirate’s phone go beep beep beep beep beep?
A: Because he left it off the hook!

Q: Where does a pirate go to drink?
A: A baaaaarrrr.

Q: How do pirates navigate their ships?
A: With the staaaaaarrrrrs.

Q: How do pirates cook their food?
A: With laaaarrrrrd.

Q: Why do pirates like opera singers?
A: The singers can really handle the high Cs!

Q: What do pirates do for fun?
A: They play caaaarrrrds.

Q: How do pirates like their hamburgers?
A: Chaaaarrrrrbroiled.

Q: How does a pirate poison another pirate?
A: With AARRRRRrrrrsenic!

Q: What is a pirate’s favorite flower?
A: Carrrrrrnations!

Q: Where do young pirates hang out?
A: In ARRRrrrrcades!

Q: Where do pirates eat fast food?
A: Arrrrrrrrrrby’s.

Q: What did the pirate get for Christmas?
A: A p-arrrrrrrrrrrrtridge in a pear tree!

Q: Why are pirates, pirates?
A: They just ARRRRRRRRR!

Q: A pirate was on Wheel of Fortune, and it was his turn. The pirate said…
A: We’ll try for an ARRRR!!

Q: What is the name of the Pirate Tax Office?
A: The Aye. Arrr. S!

Q: What part of a bible does a pirate like to read?
A: The story about the ARRRRrrrrrk!

Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite car?
A: A FerrARRRRRRRRRRRi!

Q: What did the pirate say when he had a heart attack?
A: Arrr! Me heartie!

One wish

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.

This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”

The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.

The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: “Now yee’ve done it!! Now we’re goon to have to pee in the boat!”

Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”. The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”. The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”. The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid”. The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!!

Halloween

A little boy dresses up as a pirate for halloween. He has a bit of a speech impediment. The first house he goes to he says, “I’m a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?”

The woman looks at him and says, “My my aren’t you cute. But where are your buccaneers?”

The boy looks at her angrily and says “On the side of my buckin head you buckin’ dumbass.”

Pirate in a Bar

A guy walks into a pub with a t-shirt that says “Pirates are stupid for 3 reasons!” He walks up to the bar, orders an ale. and sits down. He no more than gets his quaff when a smelly old sot comes up to him and says, “Aaargh, thar, matey! What’s that yer shirt be sayin’ thar?”

The guy looks around, looks the man straight in the eyes (well, in his one good eye, anyway), and says “Reason number 1 — Pirates can’t read!” Then he turns around to enjoy his beverage.

Not used to this sort of disrespect, the surly gent takes his hooked arm, lays it aggressively on the man’s shoulder, and slowly says, “What’s that ye be sayin’ thar, sonny-boy?”

The guy looks around again, looks his aggressor square in the eye this time, and enunciates, “Rea-son num-ber 2 — Pirates can’t hear!” And again, he turns around to face the bar.

Well, by this time, the old codger has had enough. He backs up, pulls his sword, and growls, “Aaaaargh, ye bilge rat, that be enuff of yer sass! Stand up and fight, ye lubber, yer soon to be acquainted with Davy Jones, his-self!”

With that, the guy stands up, pulls his pistol, and shoots the pirate dead through his one good eye. He drops his head as he watches him fall, sighs, and says, “Reason #3 — You pirates are constantly bringing swords to gunfights!”

And lastly…

To err is human.
To ARRR is pirate.

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Michael Sheehan (“HighTechDad”) is an avid technologist, writer, journalist, content marketer, blogger, tech influencer, social media pundit, loving husband and father of 3 beautiful girls living in the San Francisco Bay Area. This site covers technology, consumer electronics, Parent Tech, SmartHomes, cloud computing, gadgets, software, hardware, parenting “hacks,” and other tips & tricks.

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